There’s something I’ve been struggling with for a while now. My feelings. Ha. For those of us that are feelers, you know what I’m talking about. We wear our hearts on our sleeves and have strong emotions. But despite knowing that about myself, sometimes it’s hard to process said feelings or emotions. And not too long ago I was struggling with a feeling that left me very frustrated.

There have been a couple of times during our Sunday School class that I’d feel like we would get to the end of our discussion and then wrap everything up with a nice bow that indicates, “if you follow Jesus, it might get hard, but eventually you will get what you want.” While I don’t think anyone in class would read that last statement and declare it to be true, it sure feels like sometimes as Christians we lean toward that point of view – follow Jesus and He will [eventually] bless you [with what you want].

And that bothers me.

Here’s why. For many years of my life, I felt that God had placed a calling on my life that would be something special, enjoyable, or honorable. And then, instead of special, enjoyable, or honorable, life hit me so hard and for so long that I felt like my calling in life was to be Job. My husband and I went through a solid decade of complete brokenness and people would actually tell us, “Your life makes me think of Job.” If you don’t know the story of Job in the Bible, he’s described as a wealthy and righteous man that suffered many trials. Job ends up losing most everything valuable in his life with the exception of his actual life. He was left with zero wealth, status, or reputation, in fact his friends even rebuked him for his suffering.  At the very end of the book of Job after incredible suffering and multiple tragedies, [spoiler-alert] Job does end up with abundant blessing. However, this ending of Job’s story was never the one I identified with, nor the one people thought of when they told us our life reminded them of Job! The part of Job that I identified with was the long painful part. The part where he experienced trial after trial after trial after trial…

So, here I was sitting in Sunday school class, feeling like Job and hearing the conversations swirl around me that felt like sweet little bows on top of all of our discussions and I was really bothered by it. Life HURTS, y’all. Can someone empathize with my pain, please? Not every story ends up with a bow!!* At least that’s how it feels when you’re in the middle of your pain, or how it feels when your story becomes tragically different than you thought it would. Sometimes, whether initially or after years of prayer, there are beautiful stories of how God gives the blessing that we have prayed or longed for. But sometimes, He doesn’t. And then you are faced with a question. One that can feel really difficult. Do you still believe?

You. The you without a bow on your story. The you still in pain. The you that might never get back what was lost. Do you still believe in a God that loves and gives and blesses?

It’s hard sometimes. I know… because I’ve been there. My head and heart were in conflict about what I knew was truth and what felt like truth. One knew He was still a good God, and the other struggled as my eyes were fastened to my hurt, losses, and disappointments. I knew God was out there, that He cared for me… but then why is He allowing so. much. suffering. in my family?

This is why I would get frustrated in Sunday school class. Sitting there, with a broken past and sorrowful scars still etched on my soul, I knew that following Jesus doesn’t always give us a bow at the end of our story. We don’t always get the baby we prayed for or the job we need or the restoration in a broken marriage or healing from disease… sometimes we don’t get that bow that we have idealized, dreamed about, prayed for, and believed with all our heart that it can be ours. And yet, without that bow, we have to face the question, do you still believe?

And this is also why I was frustrated in class. I knew that with our trials and pain that answering that question has been a fight. Without a bow, it is a conscious choice to look past our heart-wrenching situations and believe in a good God that still loves us.

Through this wrestling, I’ve also learned that I can “choose to believe” while living out that belief in two very different ways. I can believe that He is still a good and loving Father while constantly being bitter and resentful that I don’t have my bow (entitlement syndrome), OR I can believethat God is still good and loving because despite my sufferings HE loves me and sent his son Jesus to die for me so that I might have eternal life through Christ Jesus and Resurrection Hope. (John 3:16)

This second belief requires me to redirect my focus. Essentially, making my feelings submit to a greater authority, Truth. What the Bible says is true and not what my feelings tell me is true. The pain of this is so fresh that writing this brings tears to my eyes. I do think I had been trying. Trying to redirect myself and put my hope in Him, despite my circumstances. But where was the joy?

I knew Christ. Or I thought I did. I prayed the prayer and believed in Jesus. But it wasn’t until I begin reading God’s Word daily that I was able to slowly begin to redirect my eyes from the pain of my past to His provision of himself. It’s a fight. It’s a fight of the flesh to make the choice to read, it’s a fight of the mind to take thoughts into submission, and it’s a spiritual fight for your soul. Satan wants to keep you alone in your box of brokenness. But God doesn’t. He wants to give Himself to you and give you Resurrection Hope as you anchor yourself in the Truth of who. He. is.

But I know, this isn’t easy. And oftentimes we are left feeling very Alone.

To the people who are facing situations that are or even feel irreversible and the people that are facing situations where there seems to be no end in sight, and to the people that have cried and begged God to change their story and the answers have remained “no”, you are Not Alone. I’ve been there. And it HURTS. Cry. I have. But know you are not alone in your suffering, your sorrow, your hurt, your pain, your tears, or your disappointments. It might feel like that, but the TRUTH is you are seen and loved by God. Psalm 56:8 tells us, “You keep track of all my sorrows, you have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (ESV) How beautiful is that? That he cares that much.

You might not feel God’s love when your eyes are fixed on your sorrows and pain, but it’s there. The love of God is available to you. And he wants to reveal himself to you and the joy that is found in Him. Open your Bible, or a Bible app, and go and find it! A great place to start is the book of John in the New Testament. And when you spend time with Him, I believe you will begin to feel his ever-present love, comfort, and peace even in the midst of suffering. I know that in these situations it feels hard to choose Christ. To choose to believe He cares. To choose to continue period. It feels lonely and hopeless, but the TRUTH is – you are Not Alone. No, there is no promise that your pain will end, that the heartache will ease, or that your situation will improve… I can’t guarantee any of that. But I can assure you that Jesus wants to be in all those places and spaces with you. In the struggle, the loneliness, the disappointments, and heartbreaks, He is found. And in Him we can anchor our souls and have Resurrection Hope.

Living Not Alone,

Jenny Leigh

To find out more about how to have a personal relationship with Jesus check out our page on Resurrection Hope.

Don’t have a Bible? Try a Bible app! Check out our Resources page under Bible resources for more information.

** In this post I stated that “not every story ends up with a bow”. And, I have some more things to say about that.

No. Not every story ends up the way you want. And it would be good for us to recognize that and not serve platitudes to others in tough situations. Trust me, we are so sick of platitudes. But also, God’s word tells us in Romans 8:28 “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” This means that God is sovereign (which is a fancy word to say God is in control over everything). This world is broken, and we will inevitably face brokenness too. But God, full of love for us, makes all our sufferings work together for our good and His glory. Does this mean we get a bow? Not necessarily in our present life. But if you put your faith in Jesus Christ then yes, one day, you will have a “bow” at the end of your story in glory [heaven]. 

Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 5:5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

P.S. When I think of telling people to read God’s Word daily, I feel like they might be as excited about it as telling someone to lose weight by healthy eating habits and exercise. We all want a “better” and “faster” way to achieve our goal. But the truth is, it is in our daily habits that big change happens. While you might experience radical transformation, I think most make transformations slowly through dedication and perseverance. And that’s okay. Look for the slow, steady growth and you’ll begin to live Not Alone.